Do you ever feel like you just can’t get your shit together? I’ve never been so disorganized in my entire life as I have since I’ve moved to Vermont. Maybe it’s good in a way, because I’m not obsessing about little details all the time. And being less structured means I can be more creative. But mostly it’s frustrating because without having those details sorted, there’s too much confusion.
I can’t find things. I hate having to look for things. For my entire life up to 2012, I knew where every single thing in my house was all the time. (Except the cats, because they sometimes move on their own volition.) Does it matter if it takes me 20 seconds or 20 minutes to find a book I want to look at? Do I really care that I can’t find my great-grandmother’s amber beads that she brought to the USA from Ukraine over 100 years ago?
I never had trouble concentrating or paying attention. Now, my brain feels like it’s in a fog most of the time. For a few hours a day, I get a focused burst of attention. Otherwise, I’m just floating in the clouds. Maybe I’m becoming more right-brained and less linear? Is this a good thing? Then why does it feel so frustrating?
I never missed deadlines or forgot appointments. Maybe I was being too concerned about other people’s expectations but it felt like I was in control. Was I just delusional?
On the other hand, my knitting designs have become more creative and interesting (I think so anyway), I’ve been doing a lot of drawing and painting, and the writing projects I’m working on (or procrastinating about) are also more creative and less constrained by a pre-conceived outline.
So, should I work on getting my act together? Or go with the flow and enjoy this phase of my life? I really don’t know.